Lindsey's Blog

Monday, May 22, 2006


Last weekend I went to see my family and had a very fun time visiting with them and going into Chicago to see Wicked. Then last week I had a training in Washington DC. Fun time walking around and seeing tourist stuff after training. Spent the weekend hanging out, volunteering a little for Habitat for Humanity; decided last minute not to go with Brandon to Fort Wayne/Warsaw to visit his family because I have hardly been home. Not being home and being busy is also why I haven't posted in a while. Trips home and to DC were cool--posts on them will be coming, but right now I need to take a break from work and vent because I honestly feel like freaking out.

This morning I get into work to the pile of email that has accumulated while I was out. I quickly answer the ones that need attention and spend a stressful few hours preparing to train a new solution for the first time this week. For some reason I have scheduled myself to train for the first time on two different solutions this week and it has me feeling a bit panicked. Later in the afternoon I check our team page for Relay for Life. I am team captain. I see that not one other person has signed up for the team, and I feel like a failure at rallying the company to participate. This afternoon I had a meeting with other people who have so, so nicely volunteered to help me get the team together. I am grateful for their help, but feel like an idiot that I couldn't get even one person to sign up on my own--worry that I look like I just volunteer so that I look good, without actually accomplishing anything. After the meeting I think more about my bad survey from before. It has been bothering me all day--I sent out new training surveys today--first time since the bad one. I decide to check and see if more surveys have come in from that session where I got the bad survey. Yes, more have come in. They are mediocre at best. I feel like I'm a bad trainer, like I don't know how to do my job. I worry that before people just lied and gave me good surveys because they were handing the surveys back into me--maybe now that we use email surveys people will be brave enough to tell the truth and reveal that I really don't do my job well. Please, please let these new surveys come back with good results. This especially makes me stressed out because my one year review is coming up and I don't want all these negative things happening when I go in for my review. On top of that I feel extremely forgetful lately--while visiting my family, I accidentally left my purse in my grandparents car and didn't remember it until they had left for their house--two hours away in Wisconsin. My mom had my birth certificate and a photocopy of my passport which I used to board the plane home. This weekend, after having my purse shipped back to me, I accidentally left it in Target. Luckily I remembered shortly after we had left the store. I also forgot to do a small but important detail while registering a client for training the other day. A co-worker caught my mistake, which would have lost some money for my department if it had not been corrected. I don't know what is wrong with me. I feel like a horrible, horrible failure at everything.

I would love to go home now and get in bed and cry, but I have arranged so that I don't have a ride home until 7--forcing myself to work late today to prevent more stress later this week. Brandon and I are working out together tonite--finally starting on the regular exercise routine I have been trying to get into for months--feels like one of the very few good things that is happening right now. OK, visualize the positive. This week I will start exercising and feel good; Brandon will have more interviews at good companies, not lame ones like his last two; I will get back good surveys from last week's training; I will have successful training sessions this week; people will sign up for Relay for Life; I will get done with everything that needs to be done; EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE OK.


At 7/20/2006 6:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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